@MKupperman: An odd boast
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@Home_Halfway: Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you're literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
@WheelTod: We'd been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
@rancheroni: [preparing for a date] me: what if she kisses me roommate: you kiss her back, bro me: ok me: *thinking* but why her back though
@thenoahkinsey: Some are mad Trump won. Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad. I'm mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it's only 1/3 full.