@MKupperman: An odd boast
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@VictorscarletJ: Seriously...if you need a sign to remind you to wash your hands after taking a shit or piss. Stay home
@zachheltzel: Everything doesn't "happen for a reason." The universe is not aware of your existence. Stop being arrogant.
@mrsmith196645: 911: What is your emergency. M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she's smiling. Please hurry.
@thepunningman: Boss: Isn't your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move? Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I'm talking about