An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
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Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Festive toon…
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.