A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
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“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.