To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
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I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I camp so other people don’t have to.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.