Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
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I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.