An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
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🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”