An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
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[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.