F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
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It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN