@allthenachos: An online dating service but to match you up with prospective burritos.
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@AndyAsAdjective: Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don't remember what her answer was.
@Twtercide: Me: I have a date tonight. Friend: A guy coming over to install cable isn't a date. Me: *frowns* But I got a cheese platter....
@WilliamAder: Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to "please pull up to the window."
@jimmytorosian: *phone rings* Wife: "Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me (a dad): "Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It's for you." Wife: "...."