@allthenachos: An online dating service but to match you up with prospective burritos.
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@shutupmikeginn: Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains? Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
@AndrewChamings: [having sex] this is the best sex I've ever had her: ok let's take your bike helmet off tho
@seethenare: age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine* age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine* age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I "slept funny"
@TweetingDadGuy: Please women who wear 1 inch heels. What's the point? You look ridiculous. What difference does 1 inch really make? Don't answer that.