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@hipstermermaid: AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
@Sveldtsmelt: Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
@daemonic3: This year I'm the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn't seen me standing here for an hour
@illiter8too: Me: Choose a mate who loves & respects their mom, but isn't overly dependent on her.
Lady: These are 4th graders-
Me: THEY NEED TO KNOW THIS
@TeaAndCopy: [Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
@juneohara65: I'm smart but not "know when to stop eating" smart.