AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
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Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
[eulogy]
line?
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.