An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
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. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
You have been warned.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.