An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
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My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
This woman is my idol. Free her.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Hello Twits.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER