An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
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This is so me 😂😂
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Woke up against my better judgement again
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Who knew!
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*