@Cocaine_Dealer: An 'overdose' is what happens when you suck at taking drugs.
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@vineyille: [Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
@OkieGirl405: I changed my relationship status to "I'm sharpening my knives" on Facebook so my boyfriend's family will never come visit
@valerie_tosi: The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said "It's cute that you think I'm here for that."