@huntigula: an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
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@calluptome: Everyone complains about the weather but noone's sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
@SocialExtortion: I hate going to the dentist, he is always like "did you eat Oreos before you came in?" and "you are still eating Oreos, I can see you"
@AndyAsAdjective: GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II ME: I've had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya