@huntigula: an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
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@Mr_Kapowski: *wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant* *she storms out upset* *I follow* Outside: "DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!" *high 5*
@djdarrellripley: Her: Isn't she your girlfriend? Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn't checked her voice mail yet...
@That_Damn_Duck: I learned all I need to know about how to treat my coworkers by watching every Saw movie at least ten times.