ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
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that de-escalated quickly
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.