An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
very niche meme I made
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I really had high hopes for this year though
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.