When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
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All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.