My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
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I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
This is so me 😂😂
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Some people were born into their job.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.