Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
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Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
The news
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.