I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
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“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so