Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
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Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
got so much cardio in today
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I’m aging like a fine banana
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
This probably isn’t good
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)