HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
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These are my emotional support Pringles.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”