i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
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my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Always 🥴
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Banana is the quietest snack
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It