Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
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I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it