@TheTweetOfGod: Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
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@IamEnidColeslaw: if Lindsay Lohan can call herself an artist, I can call myself a german shepherd
@TheMichaelRock: Don't be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
@1_swarthy_dude: Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: "It's a corny show! We just don't get it!" said one astrophysicist.
@Reverend_Scott: [first date at restaurant] ME: so, do you like dogs? HER: I'm more of a- ME: CHECK PLEASE