Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
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SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.