Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
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*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Netflix and awkward silence?
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.