[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
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Noah was an idiot.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Can. I. Help. You.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.