Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
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If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Food gives you energy to nap more.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!