Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
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MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?