And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
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I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I only treason on days ending in y
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby