And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
plant them where lol
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.