And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
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Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.