My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
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Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I hate everything
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad