[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
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*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba