And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
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me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*