@Parentpains: And I thought I had issues. - Me, 36 seconds after signing up on twitter.
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@Social_Mime: My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that's cooking a casserole for the first time.
@wolfpupy: [david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature's best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
@dtee83: Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends? Me: your mother, why? W: Stop acting like you're 12. M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
@GoddessTitty: Going to get a facial today... this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!