[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
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My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives