The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
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Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
happy mother’s day❤️
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Worth remembering.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”