@JElvisWeinstein: "And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?"-- Teen Brian Williams' mother
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@PhilJamesson: WHEN CATS ARE SAD Bartender: What'll ya have? Cat: Shot of rum. [Bartender pours it] [Cat slowly pushes it off the bar] Cat: Another.
@LivibelsDada: Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two mars bars fall out of a vending machine at once.