“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
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When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.