@theshamingofjay: And if I die before I wake I pray a virus my phone to take.
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@truegritrumble: ME: I don't know if I'm ready for this...emotionally. CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
@AmandasNotFunny: Sitting in my car eating McD's, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go: "Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat.."
@crunchenhanced: The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
@topaz_kell: [job interview] Interviewer: "Do you have any questions for me?" Me: "How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?" Interviewer: