Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
You Might Also Like
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist