@theshamingofjay: And if I die before I wake I pray a virus my phone to take.
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@therealeatwood: I’m usually more of a Samantha but sometimes I am such a Carrie, like when a bucket of blood got dumped on my head at prom
@ceejoyner: Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it's fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
@murrman5: [in car with wife] "did you take $20 from my purse?" *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
@LaceyNycole: Guy: Are you pregnant? Me: No, I'm a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS. Guy: ..... Me: Cowabunga, douche!