One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
You Might Also Like
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.