@sixfootcandy: And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I've never seen a bigger gavel.
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@tastefactory: *Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It's nothing, I'll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
@2tickytacky: I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she'd let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
@AndyAsAdjective: coworker: those are some crazy socks me: well I guess th- socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
@BobLoblaw143637: Lying on my bed struggling to squeeze into jeans The dog comes in to show emotional support ... followed by the cat, who came to judge.