And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
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WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.