And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
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(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day