And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
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Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.