and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
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chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life