And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
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I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now