“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
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I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir