Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
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*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it